An ad appeared in the paper... 50-minute introductory massage for $39 at a place called Massage Envy in Eden Prairie. I figured, "Great... a quality massage for a cheap price." Well, was I wrong. It was the worst massage EVER. You may ask, "Come on, how many massages have you really had?" In truth... I have had hundreds of massages and this was the worst. Chad gives a better massage; little kids at camp give a better massage; anyone in the world gives a better massage. This was terrible. But, I also figured it would be like sex... even a bad massage is still good, right? WRONG!!!!!
So I got to Massage Envy and filled out my paperwork. I then went and waited in the tranquility room (give me a break). Next, my therapist (whose name rhymes with Bobert) came to get me. We went into the room and chatted about my massage. I specifically told him that even though I have a bad back, this massage was strictly for relaxation. I also noted on my sheet (that he definitely read) that I wanted firm pressure. I also told "Bobert" that I wanted to stay face down the entire time so he could concentrate on my back. He told me that would be fine, but he could not do my arms as it would be "awkward" and that he would still do some circular things of relaxation to my legs. Super... we were looking great. "Bobert" left the room, I got naked, and was all ready for relaxation.
He put some oil on me and started with some VERY light pressure just touching my back. I figured... "Okay, he is easing me into it." Nope... that was the massage. The entire time... no pressure, and no movement. He touched me instead of rubbed me. He never moved the sheet at all, did my neck for less than a minute, never touched my head, and ignored my legs after he told me about these spectacular circular things. Two times during my massage I almost said, "We need to be done here," but I figured that would be awkward. So, at the end when he told me we only had a few minutes left... I almost jumped for joy!!!
After he left and I got dressed, "Bobert" told me I needed some deep tissue work because he could really feel knots in me. First... DUH, I told him I am full of knots. Second, how would he know... he barely touched me!!!! I thanked him and went on my way.
When I got out, I spoke to the Assistant Manager, Erin, who was lovely. She apologized profusely and comped my massage. She also told me that she would call the manager to let her know and that she might want to call me. I said, "No problem."
At home, last night, my phone rings and the caller ID says Massage Envy. I assumed it was the manager. Well, the old saying is right... don't assume. Guess who was on the phone?!?! "Bobert!!!!!" He apologized for our miscommunication, blamed it on me, and then said he was under the impression that I wanted a relaxation massage and that is why he recommended deep tissue to me at the end. I told him I did want relaxation, and to me, relaxation is long sweeping strokes. He then told me he was trying to work out my knots. I said,"But you just told me you were not doing deep tissue, you were doing a relaxation one." He then said, "I apologize you had a bad experience, and hope you can find a therapist who gives you what you want, and I hope you give us a try again another time." He then hung up.
Pardon my French, but ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?!?!? It is bad enough that the manager made him call me (talk about awkward) but then be blamed me and hung up on me. Not only was this a bad massage, but it was a bad experience. Do yourself a favor... regardless of how cheap, don't go to Massage Envy in Eden Prairie... it is NOT worth it. Now the question is... do I call the manager and let her know about the phone call or just let it go?
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